When hello means goodbye...!
Stolen Moments
I got to see my belly getting larger.
I got to see my babies on a screen.
I got to feel them moving inside me.
I got to experience the feeling of them kicking.
While that is amazing,
What I lost is even greater.
I had the honor of giving birth,
But not the privilege of bringing them home.
I will never get to hold them alive.
I will never hear their first words,
See their first steps,
Or watch them grow.
I will never get to hug them,
Comfort them and protect them.
I will never get to hear them
Tell Mommy and Daddy how much they love them.
I will never get to experience the adventure
Of being a mother of twins.
In my heart, I'm a mother,
But in reality I'm not.
I will never know how they would have looked and been like.
But I did get to learn sacrifice,
And I will always be able to love them.
In Loving Memory of Our Beloved Sons
Samuel James Wolfrey & Manuel Edward Wolfrey
02/07/2006-02/07/2006
Untitled
Another sleepless night has begun
I cry for no one will give me a gun
I just sit back and let the tears fly
and hope that no one knows that I cry.
wander
As death wanders across silky white skin
I wonder what may have been
Your eyes so much like your brothers
So perfect
But still so still
Your fingers, toes
Everything is perfect
But everything isnt perfect
Your body
Its still
It does not move
Your breath
Never caught
Still I wonder what may have been
As I watch in the first pew
The words the reverend says
Theyre a dream
A fantasy
My babies arent gone
They were here just last week
Poking at my ribs
Giving me butterflies
But still I wonder
As we travel down the road
I start to cry
It sinks in
As I watch them lower you
Into the cold ground
This piece of earth
Is all there is of you
All I have left to touch of you
But I still wonder
As tears fall nightly
Casting streaks upon my cheeks
Clouding my mind
Causing me to think of suicide
For my babies are gone
Eternally
lust
When shall these dreams subside
Forbid myself whats inside
Lure me through the naked sheets
Taste of what secretes
Beneath the skin
Behind the grin
The stench lies
In disguise
Maybe I should theorize
Whats between these bare thighs
Going deep
With in this heap
Wetness grows
A voice echoes
Within the pillows
Tis just my voice
But not my choice
Ecstasy at its peak
Ravaging technique
Screams fall
Into nightfall
As bodies thrust
With so much lust
Disguise the hearts
Alter the charts
Dreams begin to fade
As you see you stayed
Waking in anothers dream
Craving only his cream
daddy
Within these eyes
Are many lies
Secrets kept
About how they wept
Drama follows
On tiptoes
Secretly
Dismembering
Desperately
Remembering
Bleaching out innocence
Masterminding vengeance
Thinking up new ways
Setting words ablaze
Cradling a cigarette
Absolutely no regret
Never will this hate
Dissipate
the price
You think Im bitchy
But Im just risky
Maybe Im crazy
And a little racy
But Im worth it baby
Ill take you in my hands
Follow ALL your demands
Whether the pants fall
Or Im up against a wall
Doesnt matter if Im sober
Bend me over
Feel the effects
Of satisfying my sex
Dont like a teaser
Need a pleaser
Make it long
Make it hard
Leave no regard
For I need this
Total bliss
Clouding
Addiction
No need to mention
Past details|
Im no longer in pigtails
Ive learnt my skill
Gained freewill
These lips now contain
And will remain
A constant bloodstain
Upon your thoughts
In your future plots
Just dont ask
For me to unmask
Itd break your heart
To find your sweetheart
Has a blackheart.
Cold as ice
Precise
Concise
But with a price
Today
I found today
My own decay
Within an ashtray
Gotta run away
For I die away
Charcoal gray
No sun today
Cant find my way
Gotta break away
A morality play
Order of the day
Its everyday
Gotta obey
Waste away
Show dismay
With no delay
By the way
Go away
For just today
War
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Dont pretend
To overextend
Your heart to me
For I know the fee
Cant you see
Im already free
Today is mine
So dont you whine
Let me advise
Look in my eyes
Behind the disguise
Visualize
Our past ties
And someone dies
Forget my voice
Find another choice
The bruises healed
Never revealed
Causing ice
To entice
The broken heart
A work or art
Loves been lost
There too much cost
My bags are packed
Spirit cracked
Cant take no more
Cant be your whore
Its too hardcore
Cant fight this war
Anymore
Man in black
My dreams
It seems
Are empty themes
Announcing
The devils spawn
As fears
From past years
Fall upon
Thoughtless ears
Innocence
And abstinence
Being stolen away
Made into a buffet
For Im the whore
Lying on the floor
Ill instigate
Use you as bait
Ill accentuate
Ill make you believe
And make you envy
Just try to remember
That my hearts ember
Its blazing hate
Buckling under the weight
Is using you
With each screw
To pursue
And subdue
With silent attack
The man in black
Black and Blue
I loved you
Yet I lost you
Guess I knew
Eventually
Youd say adieu
I was your first
Your thirst
Eventually
Needed to be nursed
Its such a pity
I was so witty
And very pretty
Eventually
Things turned shitty.
Here I sit
Waiting for the hit
Itll never quit
But eventually
Bit-by-bit
Ill learn to submit
Black & Blue
This cant be true
This isnt you
Eventually though
Each bruise
Will construe
What I feel for you
What you want...
I.am
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
S.l.o.w.l.y.
In to
The dark
I.am
D-I-E-I-N-G
Bit...by...bit
As
The ashes
B-U-R-N
I am
What...
Fear has,
Made
Suffocating
The
S.o.u.l
Killing
The
Heart
I am,
WHAT
YOU
WANT!
Me to be
Beaten
Down
With
NO
Hope
...........
Goodbye
Look at me
can't you see
I just want to be
free
you've torn away
made me obey
every word that you say
I've tried to be strong
for so long
everything's wrong
no place to belong
so I sit and I cry
and try to deny
as to what I imply
Screaming at the sky
trying to implore
i'll fight no more
in this retched war
I've lost before
so let's review
yes i'm finally through
I can no longer persue
the untrue
no more contradictions
giving in to these addictions
my strong afflictions
no more restrictions
I've found the face
to replace
this malicious grace
so goodbye my dear
do not fear
nor shed a tear
for you may appear
to be sincere
but I know about
your secret sneer
No longer will I imply
ask the question why
nor try to justify
the black eye
you're not the good guy
So here I'll say my goodbye
questionable question
Monday, August 07, 2006
I told him how I felt
How my love never did melt
If he felt the same way
He didnt say
It was kinda gray
Neither black nor white
So when he asked
I relished and basked
In these emotions
With no bogus notion
Now I think though
That maybe below
Theres another intent
An aim to torment
So maybe I should be smart
And guard my heart
Hes my true love
But maybe hes tired of
A love thats so wary
And difficult to carry
Man in Black (revised)
My dreams, it seems
Are empty themes
They announce
The demon spawn
As my fears from past years
Fall upon thoughtless ears
Innocence and abstinence
Were stolen away
Which has made me a buffet
Thats why Im the whore
Lying on the floor
I will instigate
And use you as bait
Make you believe
And make you envy
My dear do remember
That my hearts only ember
Its blazing hate
Buckling under this heavy weight
Is using you
With each little screw
To pursue
And subdue
With silent attack
The man in black
Again
Your voice now only bellows through the night
Words that make me shiver with fright
So, whatever I have done this time
I'm sorry, I'll never do it again
Night turns into morning light
I stand alone preparing for the day
He rises from the bed and vows
I'm sorry, I'll never do it again
My existence bathes in this cycle
From day to night, and night to day
Our voices echo over and over
I'm sorry, I'll never do it again
Short but sweet. I decided to tweak it a little. Take out a few unnecessary words to make it flow better. So hopefully this will be the last touch up for it.
A poem after the funeral(revised & with title now)
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Fleshy Tomb
Within my belly, life was granted.
A seed was planted, but after one
became two, my stomach ached;
it's not the flu. Two months later
mother-nature isn't knocking at my door.
Each test produces a positive.
I go to see the doctor,
excitement grows; but the doctor's
comment amazes us all--we expect twins;
they're coming this fall.
A few months later our joy
turns to fear--something is wrong.
God said, "You two don't belong."
Now I'm laying in my hospital bed
Waiting. Your arrival was to be joyful
but it's not--you're dead.
I cry, knowing what once gave life
became your only battle. I cry,
softly now, seeing you beneath
the earth. It's a horrible view.
So to envision another child
Living in there, inside my womb,
beginning to bloom, is outrageous.
In the end, this is your tomb.
control
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Cause of you
Ive lost my,
Self respect
Confidence
And self worth.
Are you proud,
That you have,
Broken me,
Finally?
Here goes my,
Lonely pride
And delight
As your fist
Makes contact
With my jaw.
Another
Precious bruise
Happy now?
Control is
Yours to keep.
Burning Flame
There is a flame;
that is burning...
deep within.
Casting shadows,
upon lonely
broken pieces,
of my heart.
With each promise
that is spoken
a new flame
spreads like locusts
across my hopes
burning brightly
only to...
in the end,
wither away
leaving behind
a blanket of
dirty ash.
What happens though
when the fuel,
dissipates,
leaving nothing
for you to destroy.
Will you then
move on to
another piece of
territory?
Bleed
Slash my wrists and make me bleed,
give me the desire that I need.
Please don't make me beg and plead,
Because my soul needs to be freed.
This hurting is killing my soul,
My innocence is what you stole.
I guess your goal
Was to make me walk this painful stroll.
Power is what you needed,
Even though I pleaded.
You still proceeded,
This nightmare has exceeded.
You kicked me to the floor,
And my body is what you explored
You did this once before,
You said I was your Little Whore.
You thought this was fun,
Although the hurting just begun.
You plus rape equals pain by the tons,
This time you won.
The Breakdown
Monday, August 28, 2006
I suppose, as I look up
I can see a rainbow
-birds still fly, but it
doesn't feel like my sky
-anymore.
And when I look back
down-I can hear a murmur
where did the ground go
I'm too tired to swim
-anymore.
It's hard to put
a star back in the sky
I hear some say "let's
not try -anymore." It's
when I breakdown.
Dreams
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
In my dreams I can fly
to where the ocean
meets the sky.
A soft breeze
takes me to see
my lovely babies.
I indulge in my angels
so precious are they
Red heads with freckles.
I have so much to say...
But as the tears clear
and my voice you can hear
A light begins to peer
through a cloud that is near.
And I know that it's time
for the breeze to take me
through my meadow of dreams
back to the land
of my silent screams.
But...?
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I am standing in the rain
The tears unnoticeable on my cheeks
But does that make they matter any less?
Mascara running down my face
Masking the bruise underneath
Does this mean the bruise no longer hurts?
My face no longer shows emotion
As though the muscles have died
But does that mean I have no feelings inside?
I speak words that come from the heart
Words that fall upon uncaring ears
But does that mean that no one hears?
inside my bottle
Thursday, September 07, 2006
These delusional thoughts
engulf my entirity
stemming from the untaught
as they cross the forbiden boundary
as though death were the answer
This war brewing
Deep within myself
trying desperately
to discard this filth
it has taken over
as though nothing else matters
The level of revenge
has drastically risen
the course is still unwritten
i see love in front of me
but i'm incapable of feeling
as another shot I take
i drown all of reality
because there is nothing for me
i am all alone in this world
my desire never unfurled
One of a kind...
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I finally found them today!
They were tucked away beneath everything.
I had to lightly blow on them.
There was so much dust!
It's been so long since I've taken them out.
I can't remember the last time I did...!
I know they're not in the best of shape...
but could you please...handle them with care?
I can't get them just anywhere!
My "hopes and dreams"...,
well they're 'one of a kind'!
My gift
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Punishment I take with pride
As it arouses my desire to abide
Although into my pillow I cried
Unwillingly I smiled inside.
The welts on my ass begin to rise
The tear on my cheek, it slowly dries
And my arrogance withers and dies.
My submissiveness only grows
Disobedience...a distant...echo
As from my lips seeps, "thank you"
I originally posted this differently. But after I read and reread this many times, I could not do anything but change the last line to fit according to how I wanted it to come across.
Finally found
Monday, October 02, 2006
My mind wanders gracefully...
across these thoughts.
Twisting..and turning;
my desires into knots.
The walls surrounding
my delicate heart.
Have crumbled,
becoming precious art.
The tears that once
crystallized my hazel eyes
Are now simmering beneath
blinded by the heat.
My voice once spoken
so steady and calm
Now begs and pleads
for what more is to come.
My soul that once
was bound and gagged
Is now spellbound
by the love it has found.
Well I had to edit it slightly. My sleep deprivation seeped into my typing allowing me to have some odd errors. 
Enjoy this edited version
Childhood Memories
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Once upon a time
and happily ever after.
Saturday morning cartoons
Many colored balloons.
Lightning bug nightlights
Tag, Candyland
Finger paintings, dolls
and frilly little hair bands.
Memories of childhood
So happy and yet sad.
For once I was so innocent.
And then came along my dad
Inside
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Haunted by my memories.
They are smiling at me
Mocking me!
I hear the cries from the past
The pleading echo within
But I cannot care
nor sympathize
the untapped wells of emotion
Begin to release
This endless void of darkness
Vivid flashes of before
The pit of sorrow and hate
The voices in my head are taunting
Holding my hand and kissing my face
Whispering deaths lullabies
Consuming the will to survive
As I slowly fade away
Into a sky that has bled for days
Fly
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again
Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this memory bittersweet
Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light
The purge within
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Pregnant with evil
The cords of death
Entangle me
Darkness and distress
Gives birth to disillusionment
Aroused by the bloodshed
Deaths seductive words
My body an utter ruin
The jackal within
Escapes
Maliciously winking it's eye
Gnashing it's teeth
Preserving me
Condemned to die
Honey from the rock
It's satisfaction
The shame
never fully wiped away
The innocence goes hungry
starving for sentiment
Mouth full of gravel
My soul
The ultimate sacrifice
Devour my heart
Friday, November 03, 2006
Silenced in darkness
Pieces like pottery
relief from my distress
bloodthirsty and deceitful
I lay my requests before you
wait in expectation
my bones are in agony
worn out from groaning
I consider the heavens
moon and the stars
pursue and overtake me
trample my life to the ground
I stumble and perish
the memory uprooted
ingnoring the cry
wrestle with these thoughts
Sorrow in my heart
Triumph over me
Sleepy lullaby
Tonight I will die.
failed
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Does it matter to you
If tonight I break down
My veins are pulsating
with this toxic waste
Sadly though,
you don't care
My life is meaningless
in so many ways
so if I swallow some more
maybe I'll fall from grace
it's not like
you will really care
I try so hard
failing each and every time
It's not all in my head
you verified that for me
"Worthless Bitch"
rings in my ear
I've failed at being mommy
Failed at being a partner
So let me fail again
Fail the will to live
another day
Yesterday
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Yesterday
It was...
just that!
Yesterday.
The Beautiful Dream
Saturday, December 16, 2006
My beautiful one, come with me
Your face is lovely, eyes are doves
Sweet voice, oh how my heart loves
Please lay with me, upon my pillow
My mind yearns to rest, thoughts of you
with heavens grace, oh please be true.
Please love, do not wake me
I hold you dear, the shadows flee
I would kiss you, but there is only me
I thought that I would try something new. I think I fared decently though that's only my own opinion.
2007, a game of Russian Roulette!
Monday, January 01, 2007
It's 2007,
and I'm still here.
God, damn you!
Quit being a bitch.
Each year's a game to you.
Letting me get so close.
Death consoles me.
My constant, and only companion.
Don't you think I've tired enough?
2007,
What about next year?
Will you allow me to cheat again?
To cheat and win
at my personal game
of Russian Roulette?
First Blush
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Glimmering from within the trees
Peeks the gleam of another day
Dew drops lightly covering
Each and every blade.
Moisture covers the earth.
Smothering the garden path
Morning glories snaking
around the lattice
Revealing hidden pinks and blues
Chimes singing on the porch
Animating the approaching winds
Robins and blue jays
Create a relaxing melody
Light comes across the trees
Sending the dew and dampness away
The brief morning luster disappears
And gives way to sunlight of the new day
You
Saturday, January 06, 2007
A single kiss
beats down
my walls
Emotions
running wild
Please don't
Make me
Make me
Remember
this fear
I just smile
say simple words
and watch
as the door
Closes
Watching
you drive
into the night
leaving me
behind
Tonight
you aren't mine
Your scents'
my only
belonging
Inside I stir
and then
the tears begin
to stream
down my face
Words
I wanted
to say
so clear
within my head
None reached
my tongue
I'm only
left
breathless
I yearn
for more
to feel your
touch
to feel
you.
Clandestine Disease Transmission
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Paranoid euphoric high
resulting from this chalk
Need a quicker method
to the top of the beanstalk
This shit's my evil little buddy
Up for days & completely alert
Another needle exchange
and people to hurt.
This cycle's getting worse
But how to get out?
The devil owns my soul
And I'm all worn-out!
I thought I'd share this. When you're into it, Meth that is, it's all you want, but you hate it too. Meth is a persons two-faced friend. It gets you up, way up in the air. High as a kite. But then when you start coming down, You're down. It's like that friend that backstabs you all the time. You love it but hate it, and you can't leave it either. So I thought I'd share this one just to shed some light on what it feels like to want to get rid of it, but love it too!
"A Love-Hate relationship!"
Fate
I carry scars inside and out,
My scars are so deep I wanna shout.
No one knows of my pain,
Those who know me say I'm insane.
If only they would look deep inside,
And feel my pain; how deep it is.
They wouldn't say I'm to blame.
My broken heart they would see is in flames.
For the scars that I carry,
With no other will I share.
That's how my heart was broken,
Not a piece did they spare.
I gather up the tiny pieces,
Bleeding out my life so slow.
Wishing that I had someone,
To hold me while I go.
But destiny has decided,
That I shall have no one.
That loneliness shall be my partner,
My only daughter and son.
So I have to accept my finale fate,
For this life I cannot hate.
My bleeding heart will drown in sorrow,
Because loneliness will be my tomorrow.
My scars I'll carry on my own,
For my destiny I cannot drown.
My heart be always lonely,
My soul lost; never to be found.
I'm Free
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.
I'm following the path god has laid you see.
I took his hand when I heard him call.
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day.
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that peace at the close of the day.
If my parting has left a void.
Then fill it with remembered joys.
A friendship shared; a laugh, a kiss.
Oh yes these things I too will miss.
But not burdened with timeds of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full; I savored much,
Good friends; good times; A loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee.
God wanted me now;
He set me free!
To the World!
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Another year
living with the fear
The boys
My boys
Protect me please
Children never born
Living with the scorn
Another year
a streaming tear
I've lost control
& can't pay the toll
Another year
dodging the spear
give me back
my boys
all my boys
marking another day
i'm starting to decay
for it's another year
I HATE you!
Friday, February 09, 2007
I hate you and your control
here take it, take my soul
You never loved me nor cared
now i'll never be repaired
tears streaming down my face
masking my lonely disgrace
If only the world knew
Or even had a preview...
They'd understand why
Why I completely snapped
And failed to adapt
It really ain't my fault
It was the constant assault
Upon my body and emotions
so just take your love
and shove it up your ass
You stole everything from me
now just let me be free
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